Many relationships start with romance, cozy week-ends in bed and that feeling that you just can’t imagine your life without each other. It is often an equal balanced relationship of give and take for most couples. However, as the days roll into weeks, months and years it can soon become apparent how much the dynamics in the relationship can change.
For some people this can mean change for the better, for others sadly they become codependent, as in instead of caring they caretake. Codependency has been termed an addiction to a relationship “Relationship Addiction” where a person’s focus and purpose is managing and attempting to control another person’s life.
In this article I will cover the
The definition of Codependency is excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one with an illness or addiction who requires support.
However now Codependency has been used to describe other unhealthy balances in relationships where one person gives up themselves to look after another.
In my codependency counselling in Dubai, Abu Dhabi and Online Sessions this comes up not just with
If you now feel like you have changed in the relationship for the worst, if your partners mood and well-being is the focus of your day and life, then firstly know that you are not alone and secondly know that by just admitting to this that you are now in a great place.
Identifying that something is not quite right in your life can literally change the course of your destiny overnight and all your relationships. Many people live a life where they stop living for themselves and instead live to help others. They get so caught up in the day to day business of life, jobs, kids and career that before they know it, they are three to twenty years older and a part of who they were and what they wanted from life pre-relationship has almost become extinct. For many people they will know this deep down that they are codependent. That they live their life to please others and rarely please themselves if at all. Very often this comes out as feeling constantly stressed, worried and anxious about what might happen to other people in their lives.
All the people I have helped become free of codependency, that came for codependency counselling in marriage or other relationships, had symptoms of anxiety, insomnia, stress and many felt sad and frustrated. The clearest sign and symptom of codependency is the inability to say “No” despite often desperately wanting to say no. This can be a difficulty in saying no to cover up for someone with an addiction or aggressive behavior, to caretake another or to perform sexual acts within a romantic relationship they don’t want to do. The definition and sign of codependency is essentially where one person gives up themselves to get love from the other. When I see this in my marriage counseling sessions I typically recommend Codependency counselling as a treatment in Dubai or online. Codependency is not just about helping people with alcohol or drug addiction, it’s about focusing your whole life on another and letting it rule you. So the other person my have an eating disorder, excessive anger, financial troubles or a needy personality.
Relationships and marriage do change people and relationships change over time if it’s not for the better then it is something that needs addressing sooner rather than later. Each of us were born with unique gifts, talents and a purpose, if we have become disconnected from who we are and what we want, over time we can drift to a place that is not beneficial to our physical, emotional and mental wellness.
Codependency is linked to high levels of stress as if you are saying yes to someone else all the time it’s likely you are saying no to yourself. This stress can be a symptom and sign of codependency in marriage and relationships. Stress related health problems that can be changed simply by addressing the stresses and in this case codependence in ones life.
In her best-selling book ‘Mind over Medicine’ Dr.Lissa Rankin talks about how feeling stressed affects the body. She goes on to say that when people feel stressed this causes the brain to perceive a threat which can then affect everything from blood pressure to kidney function. Worrying about others can affect your body more profoundly than what you eat, how much you drink or whether or not you smoke her researched showed. Do you worry about your partner? Do you feel alone in your relationship? Do you feel like you give up your needs, your wants, your desires to keep your partner happy? Who comes first in your life, you or your partner?
Many of us are taught at a young age to put other people first. It’s seen as the nice and right thing to do, it makes us the good girl or the kind guy, but is this really the basis for a healthy relationship? Very often we assume that by not putting other people first that we are in fact selfish, something nobody wants to be called. The truth however is that putting yourself first is the opposite of selfish.
Dr Gabor Mate in his codependence research claims that those who are showing signs of codependency in adulthood both marriage and family relationships are doing this because they learned this as a child. They wrongly think because this is what I did as a child, this is who I am and yet it is not who they are. It’s often something they had to do and become and can be changed.
What is needed is to cultivate more love for oneself is more assertive healthy boundaries. In order to be and give our best to our partners, children, co-workers and friends we have to start by giving ourselves the best of us. Putting ourselves first and that starts by figuring out what you need to live healthily happily and with little stress.
If you are taking on too much, if you are missing out on things you need or love then ask yourself why you gave that up, why didn’t you pursue it?
Were you afraid of being judged?
Were you worried about your partner’s potential reaction to something you wanted to do.
Did you say to yourself I am too busy worrying about and looking after them to think about me?
If you have realized from reading this that you are showing the signs of codependency then think about what you would like to change for yourself in your relationships. Start with 2 NO’s, where in your business or relationship do you want to say No and are not saying no.
From my heart to yours, Nicola
P.S If you are considering getting some help for your marriage or current relationships, then do take advantage of my free individual or couple counseling session in Dubai or Online simply email me at email@example.com