Hi and thank you for taking this time to learn more about the reason why men and women cheat, are caught in sexting and social media flirting as well as having full blown affairs. I mentioned my discoveries during depression treatment Dubai services I offer, that there are reasons such as low self-esteem, depression, proving to oneself or others that they are still desirable. In this article I will be exploring the forces within people that pull them towards a cyber, emotional or physical affair.
Obvious right, as humans we get attracted typically most people wrongly assume the sexual attraction and arousal comes first. When in fact it can be the attraction of the emotional connection and close companionship first for most affairs. For a cheating husband or wife it’s is often the attention, appreciation and compliments they get that lead later to a physical affair. Attraction can also include admiring a person and their achievements. Power and wealth for some can also be attractive and they want to be with someone who has this.
This is how people have affairs despite having a great relationship with their current husband or wife. They find themselves highly attracted to someone and feel like they cannot stop themselves.
Novelty and curiosity
Strangely for most people who have emotional and physical affairs say they would not choose to be with the affair partner long-term. In fact in my online individual or couple counselling sessions many share with me that the person they had an affair with was not a good match for them culturally, socially, in age or in personality. The novelty factor of being with some totally different can pull someone to an affair.
It doesn’t matter whether some men or women have been married a short or long-time many will share that they cheated or were sexting because they were curious. Curious as to how far it would go, curious to see if the other person liked them, curious to know if they were still attractive.
Excitement, risk, or challenge
Sneaking around, secret phone calls and messages from the bathroom, hiding it from friends, work colleagues and of course the betrayed spouse can lead to a rush of excitement for some men and women who cheat. Taking risks and the challenge of also hiding the affair from their family (if both are married or involved romantically) can make it seem like a challenge or game.
Of course, I say that with huge sensitivity and sympathy, it is heart-wrenching to discover your husband or wife is having an affair and extremely painful to consider that they have liked the dishonesty and lying. Many don’t I just want to make that clear, I do have men and women ridden with guilt that don’t know how to stop their affair.
Ego and enhanced self-image
I touched on low self-esteem and depression as a reason for why some men and women cheat and embark on different kinds of affairs.
Some people do believe that being able to have a wife and mistress enhances their self-image. Whether they are public about it and do it purely to boast to their friends or for private for their own self-esteem for them to know, the ego can be boosted.
It can make some feel powerful, like they are in control and this can be a major pull factor in an affair and why someone cheats. Especially if they feel they lack control in the relationship or like to be in a powered position.
Falling in love can be scary and newly weds can cheat because they are not used to that sense of loving and letting go fully, being vulnerable and totally releasing oneself. Can be used to balance out, to give some power or control back.
Or the affair partner can be seen as a back-up option, so give ego boost and help with fear of losing their partner.
Falling in love
A clear pull factor for why people cheat can be falling in love with an affair partner. Sometimes people share in the online divorce counseling work that I do, that it was love at first sight for them. That they fell head over heels and couldn’t help themselves. Others fall in love slowly, may start off as a work colleague or mutual family friend and over time the feelings develop.
So; these are the individual reasons and influences for why some people cheat. There can also be family, societal or cultural influences for why people cheat.
Sometimes the pull is to play out sexual fantasies that a person does not have the confidence to share with their husband or wife. A part they hide and play out with prostitutes or escorts.
If your husband or wife has cheated because they are a sex addict, then this needs to be handled in a special way. Behind all addiction is always trauma and therefore stopping the behavior is only the beginning. Sex addiction treatment Dubai and Online is available, I find that a mixture of counseling, hypnotherapy and coaching works best for lasting change. If you are wondering “is my husband or wife a sex addict” or “how to know if my husband or wife is a sex addict” then there is plenty of information on this found through google. In simple terms a sex addict is a person who uses sex to change or fix their emotions and cannot stop despite damaging consequences for their life and relationships. In the sex addiction treatment many men and women will share that sex for them is not about pleasure, connection and intimacy, instead it’s about a relief. Sex becomes addictive because of the chemical change in the brain and therefore can be a physical addiction as well as the fulfilment from feeling wanted and being close to someone.
If you are questioning how to know if my husband or wife is a sex addict, or believe they are or you are wondering yourself? Then feel free to book a free 20 minute call with me and we can discuss. Sex addiction treatment Dubai and Online is available do reach out for more information.
Family and history repeating itself
Many studies by top Psychologists have shown that we are often attracted to a mate that has both the positive and negative characteristics of our parents. Harville and Helen Hendrix pioneers of this research claim that we are attracted to our parents traits subconsciously because we want to repeat history and this time make it better and overcome the negative and have only the positive.
Numerous studies on affairs and cheating have shown that if you grew up in a household where there was an affair that hurt or broke up the marriage, you will be more likely to experience that as an adult. I see this time and time again in the couple counselling Dubai sessions I offer.
If your parents, marriage was hurt or broke down by an affair, you may end up marrying someone who cheats as subconsciously you accept this behavior. Or you may go onto to be the cheater as you again often out of awareness accept this as part of a relationship or being married. Research has found strong evidence for this.
Why is this you may wonder, especially if we saw it cause pain, well we learn everything about relationships, love and marriage from the moment we are born. We absorb everything like a sponge until we are 7 and so it can become imprinted on us.
For example: we will pick up and notice if a parent is given lots of attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance. We will feel and see if our parents love or dislike being around each other. We will sense resentment as resentment is like a mood. Children are also hyper sensitive to arguments, stress and tension either parent is carrying.
Even if your parents did not have an affair but argued a person can feel as a child that they were stuck in the middle. Growing up being stuck in between parents squabbles, being the peace maker or feeling like the third party in their marriage can lead some children to recreate this scenario in their adult life. That is they become a third person and are instead of being torn between two parents, get involved in affairs and become torn between two people, their wife or husband and lover.
I know I am going deep here, it’s just these patterns can be so unconscious, that we have no reason why so people cheat. So I wanted to give you all the reasons.
Societal and Cultural Factors
Affairs are glamorized in movies, soap operas, romance novels, and TV shows of all kinds as exciting, passionate, love fueled. Also it can be associated with celebrities and having a high status, with the public disclosure of public figures such as Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton etc having an affair Such headline news can fascinate and inspire people to cheat according to some research done on this
Why do some Muslim men seek a second, third or fourth wife? I also get asked this question frequently.
In some middle eastern countries I’ve worked with people from who have couples counselling namely Saudi Arabia, United Arab Emirates, Bahrain, Qatar, Oman having a second wife (which some see as an affair) is done to show wealth, success and power. It can also come with cultural traditions and a sense of entitlement as to why some men get a second, third and fourth wife. I make no judgement here, I am just sharing that this can be a reason why Arab and African Muslim men seek multiple wives.
Clearly it is not clear cut why a man or woman cheats on their wife and husband. If you or your husband have had a sexting, emotional or physical affair and are confused as to the reasons why, I hope this helps. Once you identify why the next step is overcoming it with some effective therapy and coaching. If you would like to learn more about how I have helped couples and individuals recover from affairs then do reach out to me to book a free 20 minute relationship counselling online consultation.
Nicola Beer is a relationship counselling Dubai and Online expert who also helps with anger management treatment, divorce counselling support, anxiety counselling and many different addictions. Do reach out to book your free Dubai, Abu Dhabi or online counselling session with Nicola to discuss further.