Often men and women approach me for couple counselling Dubai and online to find out why a husband or wife has cheated on them. I also get hired by husbands and wives who have cheated on their spouse looking for answers for their own behavior because they don’t understand it.
They will say things like:
Why do men cheat?
Why did my wife have emotional affair?
Why is my husband sexting other women?
Does depression and low self-esteem lead to cheating?
Why has my husband / wife cheated on me again after I caught him/her cheating a few years ago?
Why do women have affairs is it for attention or they want more sexual pleasure?
Help me understand Nicola why I have cheated on my wife.
When exploring why do people cheat there are lots of factors to consider, there are factors within the individual husband or wife, for what drove them to cheat both factors that pull them towards another man or woman and factors that push them. There are also cultural factors In this 2 part article I will first explore the PUSH factors for why men and women cheat by sexting, emotional and physical affairs – and in part 2 explore the PULL factors why husbands and wives cheat by sexting, emotional and physical affairs.
If you are stuck right now and would like to learn more about how I have helped couples and individuals recover from affairs then do reach out to me to book a free 20 minute relationship counselling online consultation.
PUSH Forces within the individual – Understanding the reasons why husband’s or wife’s cheat, factors that PUSH them toward affairs:
1, Desire to escape or find relief from a painful relationship
ne of the main reasons can be that a person is unhappy in their relationship and want to forget the pain of it and use sexting, emotional or physical affairs as a way to escape or numb the pain. In fact; I had noticed that sometimes husbands or wives that come to me for Depression treatment in Dubai or Depression counselling Dubai or online; do so because they feel down about their relationship and think about or do actually cheat.
This is the next push factor depression (Note if you are interested in my Depression Treatment Dubai or Online Depression Counselling Services contact me to book a free online counselling session to discussion)
2, Depression, Grief and Loss
It is hard to distinguish sometimes whether a husband or wife has had an affair because they are depressed, bored or having a mid-life crisis. When depression or boredom is given as a reason for cheating, it can often be because factors outside of the marriage have led to a low mood and lack of motivation in other areas of life.
Many psychologists agree that Depression is a way the Psyche numbs the feelings and dulls the drive, senses and emotions for a person going through a significant painful period or event. Our bodies do this because facing the emotions may be too difficult to deal with. In a way therefore; depression can be seen, as a coping mechanism to protect a person from feeling the painful emotions. Of course because depression causes lots of other problems it’s not a desirable way to help avoid the difficult feelings. Contributing factors that come up in the depression counselling dubai or online I do are losing a job, losing a parent or other close family member, loss of health, financial loss.
When a person feels depressed that can turn to affairs to pick them up emotionally, to distract them, or to refocus attention away from perceived failure or loss.
3, Desire to fill gaps in an existing relationship
Sometimes people cheat and have multiple affairs because they feel a gap in their current relationship. The most common gaps that people describe to me in the couple counselling Dubai and online work I do are:
Lack of attention
Lack of affection
Lack of sexual intimacy
Lack of compliments
Lack of appreciation
Lack of emotional connection
Lack of interesting conversations, good communication
Lack of emotional support
These gaps are some of the reasons why men and women cheat on their husband or wife. They hope the affair partner will fill these needs and they will be happy. They are also highly likely to be attracted to another man or woman offering them that which they perceive to be missing.
This does not mean it is the other person’s in the marriages fault as it is a choice to cheat, another husband or wife may not cheat but instead choose to discuss with their spouse, what is missing and why they are unhappy and get couple therapy support first, rather than look for it outside.
4, Revenge the desire to punish one’s partner
Occasionally when I am working with men or women who have been caught sexting, cheating online or those having a full blown emotional or physical affair. It can be done to punish a partner to seek revenge either for them cheating or because they are angry about something their husband or wife is doing or not doing. Instead of addressing the issue they instead seek out their anger by trying to get one over on them.
5, Low self-esteem
Is one of the most common reasons I see men and women have sex conversations, text flirting and affairs. It can be a need to prove one’s attractiveness or worth either to themselves, or to others if they boost or share about it. This is where a husband or wife may cheat because they feel unattractive sexually, physically or in their personality. Some set up fake or real dating profiles to test the water or for what some call harmless fun, and then it gets out of hand and things escalate. Some use sexting as an ego boost to lift low self-esteem. The most important thing here is to focus on rebuilding confidence as well as removing any temptations.
Events in adult life can also cause self-esteem to plummet. The aging process, putting on weight, going bald or grey, losing a job, finances etc can all affect someone’s sense of self-worth.
6, Desire or need for attention
Attention is very important to have in relationships. I had one man who had cheated on his wife over 100 times with escorts and prostitutes and when we dug deeper it was clear that he was addicted to female attention. He was also suffering from low self-esteem and insecure thoughts about whether people liked him. It actually went back to his childhood, he was the different child in the school and never felt like he fitted in or was good enough.
When we cleared this and focused on healthy ways to get attention, including giving himself positive reinforcement rather than criticism it worked really well.
7, Desire for change
Sometimes the reason men and women cheat is because they desire change in their life. It can be boredom led, couples get bored of the status quo in the relationship or in their sex life. It can be they want the relationship to be over but they don’t quite have the confidence or courage to voice and say they want out of the marriage; so they cheat in order to end the marriage and have someone else to use to help them leave or create an excuse for it to end. In my depression treatment dubai and couples counseling excuses men and women have made for cheating is describing their life like “ground hog day” too much sameness they feel fed up.
In my experience when discussing sex both men and women feel bored if the same foreplay and sexual intercourse is the same time and time again. I have lots of ways I discuss with couples to change this and I encourage you reach out to me or a sex therapist if you feel this is happening in your relationship.
Sometimes a couple have drifted apart and want different things and a person can feel like everything it the same, like they are not growing. For a healthy flourishing relationship, we need to have positive changes to keep it alive, for the relationship to grow.
We have covered a lot in this part why do men and women cheat in marriage. In the next article I will share the pull factors for why men and women have affairs and why some cheat multiple times if the underlying issues behind the cheating are not fixed.
If you would like to learn more about how I have helped couples and individuals recover from affairs then do reach out to me to book a free 20 minute relationship counselling online consultation.
Nicola Beer offers Couples Counselling Dubai, Abu Dhabi & Al Ain Online. She is also known for her anxiety counselling and hypnotherapy services online and within the UAE in Dubai, Abu Dhabi & Al Ain, Sharjah and wider gulf region. Nicola is also passionate about helping people recover from childhood trauma, adult trauma, physical illness using somatic therapy and breathwork.