What NOT to do when your husband or wife threatens divorce
General relationship advice does not work when it comes to saving a marriage in crisis. A couple wanting to increase their intimacy or overcome an area of tension is completely different to helping a marriage on the brink of divorce. If you follow general relationship advice, it may make your situation worse not better, which is why I felt I had to share these 4 myths with you.
When I was introduced to John, and his wife Kim they were on the path to divorce.
Literally, on their way to get divorce proceedings underway.
It was a chance meeting! At a real estate agents office.
John was waiting in the office to speak to agency about the value of their marital home and find out the fees and time frame for putting it on the market.
Making small chat he asked what I did as he said he recognised me. I told him I guide people to save their marriage.
“Your joking” he replied laughing. No I smiled
“I help men win back their wives intimacy and interest in the marriage. As well as women who want to get back their husbands attention, affection and support.”
He told me how they were ready to call their marriage of 16 years quits and that for a long time coming, neither of them had felt happy or even fulfilled by their marriage.
It was falling apart more and more despite several attempts at patching things up… which always ended in what seemed like an even bigger problem between them!
It had been a very long time that either felt like they mattered in the relationship and admittedly they had been keeping it together (barely) for their children’s sake….
A lot of nights were spent apart with John sleeping on the couch…
or in the spare room.
Small things turned to silly arguments which quickly became bigger issues.
Tension, arguing and shouting had become normal occurrences.
Both John & Kim were desperately seeking to be cherished and loved, neither felt like they were getting the love they badly desired
The more that they tried to express this to each other the less they felt it and the distance between them just increased… more and more.
Everything they had tried to remedy their marriage in the form of counseling and self-help literature had done NOTHING to help them long-term. In fact, the counselling had made them more aware of their problems and more aware of how stubborn each other could be.
A drastic change was needed in their relationship but neither knew how to achieve that.
Their relationship was stuck in a serious and harmful rut and neither could see the way to fix it.
I am not about to sit here and say I was able to undo years of old, painful arguments and resentment in one single day, because that is certainly not the case…
what I shared with this desperate couple that day, prompted them to instantly press pause on the divorce.
This was easy for John because he wanted to do anything to save it still. Whereas Kim had given up hope. Kim felt it was too late, that the marriage was over.
John felt that him and I had met for a reason. He told me how he was not ready to give up living with his children. He was not ready to shatter his dreams of a close family unit. He lived for the weekends and family holidays, family times where all 4 of them were together meant so much to him. He couldn’t bare the thought of moving to a single apartment alone.
He hired me on the spot and we began working together. To correct the things that Kim wanted changed a long time ago, which had fallen on deaf ears at the time. In a few months there were remarkable changes visible in their marriage
The small-things-turned-to-big-issue arguments had stopped.. VANISHED!!
The nights spent sleeping on the couch or in the spare room were a thing of the past
There was no ripping into each other with name-calling or viciousness
The complete lack of physical intimacy had been replaced by sincere pleasure and renewed PASSION.
Pretty amazing right?
They since had a ceremony to renew their vows and invited me and had another child together.
The truth is, most people offering marriage counseling are
not trained marriage counselors.
They have likely received their traditional therapy training and simply added marriage counselling to their list of services offered…most likely after the fact too! (not a nice thought)
What I’m saying is that the level of experience these people have in truly helping a marriage in crisis where a husband or wife has made divorce threats or asked for a separation is little to none…
And when they are offering this service, their tactics and techniques are more than likely outdated and simply no longer effective because these same techniques were simply never created to help a marriage in serious confusion! The techniques they learn are to listen, empathise and look at your childhood in most cases which all is valuable but to save a marriage and stop divorce you need to focus on the present not the past.
Are you with me?
That is why even the best marriage counsellors only enjoy a marginal success rate of around 20% alarming when you think about it.
If a so called professional in another field said they have a 20% success rate, we wouldn’t hire them at all.
Imagine that seeing a doctor and them saying take these tablets they may make things worse when you take them but there is a 20% to 25% chance they could have a positive result, 75% you could feel worse. Would you touch them? I know wouldn’t. It wouldn’t be legal either.
I had counselling for eating issues a long time ago. All the counsellor did was make me pour out my heart, looked at me with pity and said nothing apart ask me what I felt or thought I should do. I felt like screaming “that’s exactly why I am here paying you, I don’t know what to do. I need some steps, a plan to follow. A plan to help me eat like a normal person and stop compulsively eating or dieting.” Any way that’s another story if you have ever had eating issues and need a solution be sure to come back to this website in a few weeks and more on helping people overcome eating disorders and dealing with eating disorders in families will be coming soon. (Resources on freedom from overeating, bulimia, compulsive eating, binge eating and anorexia)
I just wanted to point out that I can relate to counselling not being helpful from experience, it’s so frustrating when your local option will not serve you. I felt like my situation was hopeless, when the so-called experts could not help and make things better.
Same when my relationship hit rock bottom, all the things I read online were conflicting and confusing when it came to becoming close again.
That’s why I am so passionate about helping people save their marriage. Because it frustrated me so much, hearing from men and women who had spent their time, energy and efforts getting help only to find out that the help, was not in fact helpful.
I am sure you can tell by reading this, it bugged me big time 😊
Once I discovered that those usual methods for marriage therapy were not working, I was convinced I could find and create a new way of saving marriages. Using examples of case studies and my own experience on how I managed to turn things around.
A set of tools that actually did good.
I released all the ‘traditional’ theories and techniques as they simply DON’T WORK!
and that’s why you need to do the exact same!
That is what this article is about here are 4 main myths (relationship advice that do not help when it comes to saving a marriage and dealing with threats of divorce)
This is relationship advice you do not want to take if your husband or wife has said the marriage is over, they love you but are not in love with you, they want a separation or divorce.
Relationship Advice & Couple Counselling Myth 1:
You May Be Communicating, But You Need To Learn Better Ways To Communicate Better
Picking up better ways of communicating is not enough to help when a person has already shut down.
Learning what effective communication is, will only enable you to fight with your partner, more effectively!
In some instances, these ‘improved’ skills of communication are more damaging than helpful.
Plus, there are thousands of couples who are communicating effectively and well, it’s just that one person has had an affair, fallen out of love, slipped into depression or whose anger or addiction has got in the way of love. Talking will do nothing if there is no connection.
Relationship Advice & Couple Counselling Myth 2
There Is Only ‘One Way’ To Fix Your Marriage Most marriage-fixing programs claim there is only one real way to fix your marriage.
I have learnt there are infinite ways and each way needs to be given the attention it deserves.
Tools that may be handy at one area of the process, can often hinder another point in the process.
There is, in fact, a unique way to deal with each way that helps to work towards healing your marriage.
These ways are tried and tested and have been working for countless couples I have worked with over the years.
So you have to identify where the problem areas are in each other’s mind to be able to begin the process of repair.
Critical here is understanding what is the mindset of your spouse right now. If they have withdrawn from you or asked for a separation or threatened divorce, the standard relationship advice tips will not help. That is why when I work with men and women to turn things around quickly and get that second chance. I ask them to share with me exactly what their husband or wife has been saying so we can then address their concerns and save the marriage.
Relationship Advice & Couple Counselling Myth 3:
Unless Your Partner Is As Invested As You Are, The Healing Of Your Marriage Cannot Start
You can’t start saving your marriage if your spouse isn’t interested.
This is a lie.
I have helped many husbands to save their marriage when their wife said nothing will change their mind and who refused to go marriage counselling.
I have also supported women to ruin their husbands affair and change the nature of the relationship and closeness single-handedly
When the situation is bad, sometimes it can take a bit longer for your partner to come to the table.
However, this does not mean that you cannot set the wheels in motion yourself.
Or learn the relationship techniques and tools for yourself so they can join you when they are ready.
One person being more motivated than the other in a relationship to save it is normal. In fact it is rare for two people in a relationship to feel the same amount of love and passion at exactly the same time.
The difference between a husband and wife when a marriage is close to being over is often that one has lost hope and the other still is hopeful.
Does that make sense?
It is typically because one person has lost all hope and the other person hasn’t and then the person with no hope says I want out. The person with hope tries to convince them that there is hope and that their feelings are wrong.
As no one wants to hear their feelings are wrong, they push their husband or wife further away. Are you with me?
Therefore, if one person instead of trying to talk their partner into changing their feelings, begins a structured program to fix it, that offers hope. Where they transmit a vibe of positive hope through their actions. They stand a great chance of inspiring their husband or wife to consider that possibility also.
Whereas doing nothing means both are stuck, feeling hopeless and nothing will change.
So, one person being willing to get marriage help and the other person not wanting to, does not mean your marriage is not able to be fixed.
The processes and techniques I use are successful…even if your partner has given up already because you will be learning how to change away from negative energy.
Relationship Advice & Couple Counselling Myth 4
Time Is The Greatest Healer
This is perhaps one of the most damaging untrue statements about marriages!
From my experience, couples who keep ‘putting things off’ are the ones who
think stuff will get worked out on its own, over time.
But this is never, ever, the case and deep down, you already know that which
is why you are here absorbing this information. You are already searching for solutions to become closer and to take a proactive approach to this situation!
Because if you are not willing to make these changes and take
the necessary steps to fixing things, all that negativity is sure to bring your relationship
down substantially, and before you know it, it may be too late to do anything about it.
It’s crucial that you put the wheels in motion to start working on
saving your marriage right away… before things get completely out of control
and it is too late for any kind of repair!
Here are some steps I work through with men or women wanting to save a marriage on their own.
The first thing I do is help by supporting them to save their marriage by injecting it with authentic positivity.
We devise actions they can take that little by little will allow their wife or husband to see them differently.
As they begin to see them differently their feelings will change. If a marital separation has been asked for then it is pointless talking about how you will change, how things can be different in the future. As they already are thinking about a future without you. Are you with me?
So, it’s about shifting your energy, taking actions that will bring you closer. I also help with letting go of resentment as this is often are at the core of most marriages close to divorce.
Essentially whether I offer marriage counselling in Dubai, Abu Dhabi or online, I focus on helping people to motivate their spouse in to treating them differently. Making sure that it is authentic to the person and that the changes last, not just for a few days or weeks but long-term.
If you are struggling with this right now, I offer you the opportunity to book a complimentary 30 minute relationship transformation consultation with me and we can discuss a way forward. https://nicolabeer.as.me/?appointmentType=1704473
Or if you are not quite ready for a call right now for any reason, then get the 7 secrets ebook to saving your marriage and get supportive emails to help you. Each email has constructive relationship advice that really works.
Here is the link https://training.nicolabeer.com/7-secrets-marriage
I hope you have found something useful in this, do feel free to ask me any questions below
From my heart to yours, Nicola